the inner life and times of change

Friday before Labor Day weekend, ceremonial end to summer, the begin of fall's full slate of activities. Tired and feeling rather dull, though I had a nice ride to work into the rising sun, enjoying the cool crisp air, I cleared my Inbox and headed to the gym. I was pleased to remember that I had a new load of music on my MP3 player and began to look forward to my workout. After warming up my knees doing ball squats against the wall, I climbed onto the treadmill and eased into the routine. Two minutes of walking, then 6 mph until I covered one mile, two more minutes of walking, then 6.3 mph until I got to two miles. The last two minutes of each mile I nudged the speed up to the next interval. So I ended the 2nd mile at 6.6. Mile three went by quickly, 6.6 mph, then 6.9, then 7.2 and finally 7.5-- racing to cover 3 miles before the 30 minute limit elapsed. I was at 2.95 miles when "cool down" flashed on the control panel. One of the annoyances of running on the treadmill. Driven by the tunes, Charlie Parker and Joe Strummer I had worked up a tremendous sweat, I felt great, strong, stable, no pain at all even cranking out at the end of the run. I hit the mat for my post run "yogalates" session. As I gathered my breath and my thoughts dissolved into the mat, I felt a body awareness, a sense of my whole being vibrating, humming, shimmering-- as I stretched I felt elegant and composed. Plugged back into the continuum, the flow coursed through me as I lived the inner life. A purely meditative moment, punctuated with scissors, crunches and rollovers. I did some push ups and then inverted progressively closer to the mat-- handstand, pincha mayurasana and then head stand. Drenched with sweat and feeling holy, I faced the day. thoughts of pending colonoscopy (yikes), figuring out how to do the laxative regimen and still get done what is required. Then what really is the turbulence beneath the calm surface of the water-- the looming large Denver marathon. The run on the treadmill today is about as much as I have been running. Not out the door four days a week getting in 40 miles, my training is on the bike with weekly long runs. My panic subsides as I draw upon the old marathoner's toolbox. What I lack in training I will make up for with wisdom and experience. yeah right....

times of change, indeed. Ryder started First Grade this week. Karen started her three jobs. I am now full Professor. The latter having the least impact on our daily life. Ryder woke up early on Tuesday, his first day and said "what a great day for the first day of school!" This is in marked contrast to our neighbor, with whom Ryder has a very antagonistic relationship. His mom reported that Nicky woke up on Tuesday and declared this to be the worst day of his life. While Ryder was at school Tuesday, just until 11 AM, I rode my bike 25 miles, and got back with 15 minutes to spare to walk him home. Wednesday, first full day plus after school program. He woke up and reprised the naked man song, dancing around the bedroom singing "beware, beware, beware of the first grade man!" When I went to gather him at day's end, he was diligently working on a drawing, and though he had been at school and park kids for nearly 10 hours by then, he had to finish his drawing before we could walk home. Then it was boys night out-- Karen at her Triton gig that night. Wow. busy times. Ryder is adjusting to this amazingly well and I am so happy that we have the routine nearly established. He misses his mom being away from her all day, and the dogs are now orphans too. I get to spend more time with him and my duties are increased and I just couldn't be happier about that. Change is good. Happy Labor Day!

thoughts on back bends and inversions

I used to be in the yoga way, practicing rather seriously for almost ten years before an injury sidelined me. A true yogi would have practiced through the injury and it is likely doing so might have hastened my recovery. But not being able to do standing poses as I was not able to do any weight bearing exercise, or bending my legs due to my knee injury, left me out of the main flow of any yoga class. So I discovered Pilates and now three years later have gained significant core strength and fitness from these exercises. The true test of this strength comes as I now return to more and more yoga practice all the time. I was relatively competent at inversions--handstands, shoulder stand and head stand. Though I was still relying on the belt and the wall. I had even managed to get vertical in pincha mayurasana, the feathered peacock pose (http://www.yogajournal.com/poses/1711_1.cfm) where you balance on your forearms, feet over head. Since my injury felled me in the fall of 2004, I have neglected backbends and inversions. I have discovered that now, with the core strength I've gained from Pilates, I can do shoulder stands with ease, just curling my tail bone right up and over. Finally I can do halasana, the plow pose, touch my toes over my head when I do the shoulder stand. So I thought I would give it a try and voila, kicked right up into handstand. I strapped the belt around my arms, just above my elbows, shoulder width apart, did downward dog facing the wall, fingers 6 inches away, and kicked up. voila. I have been doing handstands now, again for a few weeks, each time getting up easier, though I have yet to shed the belt. Today, for the first time in years I thought I would try the peacock pose. It was easy! Easier in fact than handstand! Then I rolled over into shoulder stand and found the floor with my feet-- halasana, the first time ever. No scrunched up throat, I felt sufficient lift and space in my thorax to make it comfortable. Wow! I am energized and excited by this. As I free myself from the belt, and move from the wall, I will enjoy the dual benefits of backbends-- energizing me, and inversions-- bringing clarity and enhanced circulation. I am so psyched. Then, to top it off, I weighed in post work out and much to my delight the scale tilted sub 210 (just barely). Zowee. no doubt about it, losing weight really helps with the asana practice. I am inclined sign up for a yoga class, once again. Of course I still can't really bend my legs...

Humble Pie for Breakfast

On Friday afternoon, I had an errand across campus so I took Roosevelt Road home instead of my usual route. Roosevelt is awful with traffic and little in the way of bike lanes, but it was the most direct way so I braved it. While there are bike lanes, they end abruptly west of Independence, leaving bicycles on their own to navigate the west side industrial corridor's heavy traffic. As I rode west, really cruising with a tail wind, going about 21-22 mph, I caught up with a guy on mountain bike. He had a ball cap on, a vest with a bottle of water in his pocket sticking out, jeans and work boots. He was moving pretty well, but I humped it up and passed him, nearly getting smashed by one of those stupid huge Lincoln Navigator SUVS, driven by someone talking on their cell phone. I peddled on, keeping the pace up and when all of a sudden mister mountain bike blew past me. It was all I could do to keep up with him. We cruised about 2 miles with me on his tail. I decided to follow him and not try and pass again, and it was pretty fun having company. I was impressed that he could muster so much speed on such a beater bike with huge knobby tires. Made me wonder about my riding buddies who are hard pressed to make 18 mph on their commuter bikes. I paced with him until nearly Cicero and then he peeled off, and we gave each other thumbs up. I didn't realize this at the time but this was an omen for my scheduled ride on Saturday morning.

Though I have ridden over 1000 miles this year, it has mostly been in 8 mile chunks with lots of stop and go in the city. My goal is to used distance bike riding to help train for running a marathon, to save my knees, so I thought I better get out and start putting some miles in. I hooked up with my friend Giulia who is quite an avid biker, and she invited me to join her two friends who wanted to get a hill ride in-- 50 miles. So I showed up at 5:30 as the first light of the dawn was gathering, and Giulia and I rode to Chris' house, just as John was unloading his bike. My first impression was one of pure intimidation. These guys were total stud triathletes on $4000 bikes. 5% body fat and chiseled physiques, sleeveless skin tight bike jerseys-- yikes, what was I thinking. They were very nice guys and we had a great ride for about 15 miles, I had no problem keeping up with them on the flat as we headed west and south, and then we got to the hills. Poof. they were gone. I died! At one point Giulia looped back an picked me up and finally we made it 22 miles out to Waterfall Glenn. It was just 7 AM and the huge groups of runners were massing getting ready to run. Other bikers showed up. I was the only guy on a commuter bike with fenders, and amazingly, Giulia was the only woman on a bike. They chatted with the other bikers and took some calories in. I sucked down two gel packs and drank water. The ride home was good, Giulia coached me, gave me advice about keeping my rpms up and perhaps raising my seat etc and then told me to draft her, to sit right on her rear wheel and she would carry me up the hills. This was a new experience for me and I found that it took a lot of concentration but definitely helped. We got to some bigger hills and I couldn't keep right on her wheel, but fortunately did not drop off too much. once we were back in town I had no problem keeping up and we cruised happily along 19-22 mph. I finished the 45 miles in 2:45, 16.6 mph average and 32 mph top speed. I very much appreciate how generous those guys were to not drop me and let me tag along. A very humbling experience, indeed. This weekend I will repeat the route and do the metric 100 in the Wright Ride, but I do not plan on trying to keep up with Adonis on a tri-bike this week.

It's OK to feel good, right?

Friday and I am dragging today. My plans are to run in the zone this morning, getting some good cardio going, then after we dance the night away at Nacionale 27, doing 50 on the bike at dawn tomorrow, and then run long on Sunday. Yet I am struggling to keep my eye open after my Friday morning ride to work with the boys. Bolstered though I am by Cliff's comment-- he noted "losing some weight there?" and I told him about Hakes and his comments. We all agreed that people are quick to point out that you might have gained a pound or two (or three or four....) but that have to be nearly emaciated before they would notice you'd lost any weight. Now, two people have commented on my weight loss. Yeah. And it was Cliff who commented to me, a few months back, that I was "keeping my weight up" as though that was a desirable thing to do. Well, thank you sir! As a fellow big guy he can relate to the vagaries of weight loss and is suffering a bit this summer, not dropping his usual 5-8 pounds by now, due to his injuries. I hear you there! When I was sidelined with stress fractured knees and couldn't really run for almost two years, I gained a good SOLID 15+ pounds that I have now more than lost. Interesting how their advice rang true to me-- beer and pasta, the cause of weight gain. Indeed, my diet if you will, the P-diet addresses the common fattening component of those foods-- carbs. I am pleased to be dropping weight as I approach 210. The motivation to run-ride-run in no small part is my desire weigh 07, like the year. I haven't been under 210 in quite a while and it seems like when I do get down there I don't stay long. Not this time, mark my words. When bike commuting season runs into winter, then my challenge will begin. Riding the 1000 miles I have to work this year certainly is one of the key factors in my loss. So, losing weight and having someone notice definitely makes me feel good.

I feel good too, because I finally got that letter I've been waiting for. From the Board of Trustees appointing me to Full Professor in the Departments of Physiology & Biophysics, and Obstetrics & Gynecology. It took one year from the time I started to put my package together, the committees at each level, Department, College, Provost, Chancellor and then the Board. Yeah, baby, Bucky's now a full professor. I made the passing comment that I would have been more excited to have gotten a letter from the NIH telling me my grant was going to get funded. Despite my elation over the letter, goose bumps and tears in my eyes-- well, I almost got that letter from the NIH. I had a formative discussion with the program officer in the National Center for Complimentary and Alternative Medicine, who has my flax seed-ovarian cancer grant, and she told me that they really want to fund my grant, that it was as close to the pay line as it could be with out actually being guaranteed of being funded and she was all but positive that it would get funded. She was going to defend the funding decision and advocate for it when council meets in September. So here we wait, encouraged, but still uncertain.... Yet ever so optimistic. I believe that good things happen to good people and I am doing all that I can to be a good person. Of course I could do more, and I know I am flawed and have my difficulties, but I do keep trying to do the right thing and to be that better person. I think it's OK to feel good about myself and about things, right? Might as well, it sure beats feel bad. Which brings me to that age old tome, religious music o mine, going down the road feelin' bad, woo oh oh, ain't gonna be treated this a-way. uh huh, no more, no way, going where that water tastes like wine. Sure, why not, wine has low carbs!

756

Last night Barry Bonds smacked his 756th home run, eclipsing Hank Aaron's 33 year old record. He made his historic shot at home in San Fransisco t the wild cheers of his hometown crowd. Willy Mays was on hand to help him celebrate and Hank Aaron sent his congratulations via video. Of course all this comes with a giant (*) due to the steroid taint, the theme of this year's pro athlete accomplishments. The Tour du France was besmirched by the doping scandal, Michael Vick's dog fighting controversy, NBA referees beating on the games-- an on! None the less when I listened to the story of Bond's 421 foot home run this morning on NPR goose bumps crawled up my arms and tears came to my eyes. A significant accomplishment for an older athlete, and history was made. Meanwhile A-Rod hits his 500th, the youngest player to ever do so, and Glavin brought down his 300th victory, at the expense of the Cubs.

Our national pastime taking our minds off the bigger news stories-- the Minnesota Bridge Disaster, the Utah Mine Collapse, and of course, the war. As the death toll continues to mount and the insurgents continue to wage their civil war, our president is determined to stay the course, pour more fuel on the fire and sacrifice more and more of our youth to this stupid and lost cause. The reason they are waging this war is because we are there. The longer we stay, the more they will fight us. The oppressed, the dominated, the occupied will continue to gain strength and resolve and eventually rid themselves of us-- of US! And the death toll will be in the 100s of thousands of Iraqi's and 10's of thousands of our soldiers, to what end? the Bush legacy. Failed, disastrous and destructive presidency. the worst president ever, setting the new standard for BAD. Such a legacy! And when we elect a democrat in 2008, likely our first woman president with our first African American vice president, and they will have his mess to clean up. There may be few Republicans still standing, so that all the blame will then fall on the Democrats. History will not be kind to George W Bush. One can only hope the economy and our environment will survive him. Just think of all that has happened on his watch....

Begin where you are....

Take a deep breath, feel the moist summer air fill your lungs, turn your head to the left and exhale, deeply, over your left shoulder. Blow all that trouble away. Now turn your head forward, breathe deeply, feel the air filter through your nose and fill your lungs, your chest rises and you pause in the space between, and then let the breath out. The inner calm supplants the panic and with each subsequent breath comes an infusion of clarity. Better now. Begin. Begin where you are. Don't worry about all that lead you to this point, the steps you've already taken on this journey, the journey begins again, here, now. You've traveled a great distance and come at last to the mighty river, but can not get across-- so you stop and build a raft, lashing together what ever you can find, whatever you have at hand, until finally you've constructed the raft you need to cross the river. Though the current may be swift and the crossing dangerous, you ford the mighty river and land on the other side. Now, ask your self, do I carry this fine raft with me? After all, it is built out of all that carried me to the other side of the river. I lashed it together and it carried me across so that now, I stand here, facing the path on this side of the river. No! Of course not. You leave the raft on the river bank and journey on. It has gotten you where you are. It's work is done. It would be such a burden to try to carry it with you. No, you leave it behind. You begin where you are, the journey continues, the journey starts here. It is not where the journey takes you, but the journey itself that matters.

As I face the job of completely revising the manuscript I have been working on for months, after getting some much needed (evidently) and very thorough review from my colleague, I groan and then feel grateful. Clearly it took them some significant effort to dissect my manuscript and I know how much it will thus be improved. So here, I begin again, where I am on this project. And in a greater sense, as I journey through my career, my research path came to a river which I could not cross, and so I have managed to get to the other side of that river. But my journey does not end here, no, it starts here. yes, it is like starting all over, and so I do. And getting this first important paper published with the help of my knowing colleagues, who do have the experience in my new field of study, will be my first step on this new path as I leave that raft behind. yes, breathe deep into relief. don't look back, don't look back.

the half empty viewers

What a great morning for a ride. At 6:15 it was already 73 degrees and the humidity was on the rise. A good day to ride before the heat sets in. August! The sun had just crested the tops of the trees when I joined my buddies for our ride to UIC. I was feeling spiffy. The riding pants I had to put away because they got too tight are now rather loose on me. I have lost over 15 pounds now, from 228-230 to ~213, and feeling good! No doubt that I have a ways to go to get rid of the jelly roll, but dropping a pant size, going from a tight XL to a nearly too loose L is a sure sign of progress. The P diet and my exercise regimen are working well to help trim off those pounds. Running is a lot easier without carrying those pounds and I just plain feel better. I discuss this with Karen when I weigh in and note the pounds just falling away. April through July, a good time of year to be losing weight. However, only one person, one single solitary sole has commented on my weight loss-- my friend and colleague from Quebec, Janice Bailey mentioned how lean I had become when she saw me working out in the fitness room in the San Antonio Marriott where we were entrained for the week long SSR meeting. I was, of course pleased, nay, delighted! In my experience as a yo-yo fat person, it is only when I have gained weight that any one will comment. Like Cliff earlier in the season as we mounted our bikes for the morning ride "I see you are keeping your weight up" he offered. Oh, don't I just love hearing that kind of "compliment". Yeah, sure. Now today, feeling fast, after my break out when I took off at the intersection of Homan and Harrison, I was trying to beat the delivery truck to the corner and cranked it up from standing still to over 24 mph before having to coast to the next light, and let the other guys catch up to me. The boys all commented on the Bucky Burst and we reminisced about our days together running track, doing intervals, and burning up the asphalt oval. I commented that I was going to hit the treadmill when I got in (which I still will do) and what did my buddy Bob Hakes say to me? "it is amazing that the pounds don't just melt off you with all the exercise you get." To which Moe replied "it depends on what you eat." then Bob said "Buck has always been BIG." Arggggggg. their view of the world, it is a half empty cup, while of course, me as the eternal tragic optimist see the cup as half full. Yes, I see the jelly roll there as ever, but I also see what is not there-- about 4 inches of the blubber is GONE! I will not say anything about my weight loss to anyone, not until they comment on it first. And judging from how my friends see me, not as how I look, but how they see me in their mind's eye, as a BIG guy, I will be spared from having to have that conversation. I am reminded of Dorothy Parker's book "Big Blonde" where she comments on the "health of the big." You got that right. Big boned, stocky, stout..... ya, ya, ya.